Babies, or Drunken Midget Frat Boys?


Do I really have a baby, or is there a midget high on PCP running around the house? One minute she’s cuddly and sentimental, the next, raging…. I can almost hear her slurring, “Lemme tell you about the cats,” as she drools before falling flat on her face.

Brontë is starting to walk, but she isn’t very good at it yet. She is, however, excellent at navigating the stairs. She will deftly skate down them on her butt in record time. I found this impressive until today, when she staggered up to me, buck naked, with poo smeared all over her back side. “Where’s your diaper?” I asked her, as she stared at me blankly.

I cleaned her up and re-diapered her before setting off in search of the missing nappy. It was shortly thereafter that I reached the stairs and realized what had just happened: Brontë had crapped her pants, pulled her diaper off and hid it, then SCOOTED HER BUTT DOWN THE STAIRS AS IF THE STAIRS WERE ONE LONG GIANT ROLL OF TOILET PAPER! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

Fortunately, we had already invested in a steam cleaner due to the combination of these kinds of shenanigans and the ill-fated white carpet that came with this house (let me just take a moment to warn prospective homeowners: if you have kids, avoid white carpets like the plague). Still, I hadn’t planned on spending the afternoon cleaning warm feces out of the crevices of our staircase, and after that was over, I still had to embark on Operation Find The Missing Crap-filled Diaper.

It took a while, but I eventually found the unholy mess tucked into one of the pockets of the cat tree. She started taking her diapers off a few weeks ago, but we were able to confound her by putting diapers on her backwards. With this new development, the bad news is, apparently, that she has learned to master the updated technology of Backwards Diaper 2.0.

The good news, however, is that her removal and hiding of her soiled diaper may mean that she has finally developed an aversion to her own poop. This would be a welcome change. Before having kids, I kind of assumed all animals naturally had an aversion to their own feces. It is filthy and can causes diseases, and it seems like evolution would favor animals that avoid it. Cats crap in a box, dogs crap outside their living space, and even monkeys will throw poo as an intentional insult. You would think humans, being exceptionally smart animals, would also avoid poop.

You would be wrong. Brontë appears to view her poop as an acceptable artistic medium. She will scoop it right out of the back of her diaper in order to finger-paint the walls. We have this poor stone raccoon statue in the backyard that has had baby poop massaged into its crevices (and subsequently been power washed with the hose) more times than I can count. I’m really looking forward to the day I won’t have to scrub feces off the walls anymore.

So, I’m hoping this new diaper-hiding phenomenon means that Brontë, at long last, is beginning to see poop as something she wants outside her immediate environment.

In the meantime, I am going to list some of my toddler’s behaviors, and you tell me if you don’t think it sounds like something a drunken frat guy might do:

1.  Pulls off her clothes, wherever she may happen to be, and runs around naked, screaming, “WHEEEEEEEEEEE! YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!”

2.  Walks around unsteadily, occasionally falling flat on her face.

3.  Changes moods erratically, flipping from a screaming tirade into loving, hugging sentimentality: “Momma, I wuv you!”

4.  Pees in inappropriate places.

5.  Belligerently demands cookies or other snack foods.

6.  Occasionally becomes irrationally territorial and possessive, picking fights over minor perceived slights.

7.  Abruptly passes out on the floor.

At least I understand now why some people are driven to seek intoxication. It brings out your “inner child,” so to speak. She is currently crawling over my lap, chest and face right now as she races back and forth on the couch, giggling maniacally as she goes baby-HOGWILD. She probably won’t have this much fun again until she goes to college.


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