Babies Eat Weird Stuff

JonRichfield - Own work Yum!
JonRichfield – Own work

This morning I walked in the bathroom to find Brontë finishing off my tub of Nivea creme. Thought I was a decent cook, but apparently she’s just not very picky.

While we’re on the subject of babies eating weird crap, I must relate what happened the other day. Brontë and I were taking a shower in the afternoon and I was washing our hair. She was laying over my lap as I washed shampoo suds out of her hair while repeatedly reassuring her she wouldn’t get any in her eyes if she held still, when I glanced over and saw a HUGE NASTY SPIDER crawling (stomping) right outside the shower door.

Ack! I didn’t want the spider to hide somewhere in the house, but I was right in the middle of something. So, I slid open the shower door and slammed a giant, Costco-sized, bottle of Johnson & Johnson’s baby wash on the massive spider. I’ll finish up what I’m doing and scoop the squishy spider remains into the toilet after we’re out of the shower, I thought.

After finishing up with Brontë, I started washing shampoo out of my own hair. I was standing under the water, eyes closed with suds running down my face, when I heard the shower door slide open. I hurriedly rinsed all the shampoo off my face and opened my eyes to see Brontë outside the shower and the baby wash bottle knocked over…

I jumped out of the shower as fast as humanly possible, just in time to see: A SPIDER LEG DISAPPEARING INTO MY TODDLER’S MOUTH! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

I quickly opened her mouth and reached in, hoping to snatch the nasty spider remains. But it was too late. She had eaten a dead spider.

Quickly flipping through internet pages about common spiders, I tried to recall exactly what it looked like. Could it be poisonous? It wasn’t a wolf spider or a black widow… *shudder*. Thankfully, it didn’t appear to be any of the common venomous spiders. Still, I watched her closely for any sign of a bad reaction.

Everything turned out okay, apart from the nasty fact that my baby girl ate a giant dead spider like it was no big deal. So… face cream and spiders are among the items my child has happily eaten. Also, cat vomit… but we won’t be discussing that incident.

Given these culinary experiments, I find it hard to take my child turning her nose up at spinach and broccoli. I make a mental note to bring the dead spider up in the future when she doesn’t want to eat something.

Tonight my baby girl mashed up her ham, cheese, cherries, bananas and plums into a giant food wad. She ate some of it, then ground the rest into her hair and all over her arms and belly. Made me wonder… Would people do this if they had no boundaries? Would we be eating part of our cheeseburger then smearing the rest on our scalps and bellies? Is this how everyone would behave if our parents didn’t tell us how unacceptable these table manners are?

I chuckle after picturing a table full of business executives mashing their sandwiches into balls and smearing them all over their blazers.

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