Clockwork Dubstep

Oscar winner and soulful prompter of outrageous toddler tantrums
Oscar winner and soulful prompter of outrageous toddler tantrums

We may have discovered an ingenious new way to discipline our kids. It’s outside the box, completely nonviolent, and we happened upon it by total chance yesterday.

After a long day at the park, John was listening to Adele on the car ride home when Brontë started pitching a fit because she doesn’t like it. John was growing more and more irritated, especially since we fully expected our kids to give us a break by knocking out in the car after hours of playing.

But Brontë wasn’t having it. She kept flipping out and screaming, “I NOT LIKE IT!” while demanding we turn Adele off. John told her he was listening to it and didn’t want to turn it off, but she kept fussing about how she needs it to stop while waving her arms around wildly and keeping her baby sister awake.

So finally, John grabs his phone, pulls up Pandora, and Dubstep starts playing.
The car goes completely silent.

My daughter struggles to find meaning in a world where Dubstep exists
My daughter struggles to find meaning in a world where Dubstep exists

After a couple of minutes, John turns around to check on Brontë and finds her glaring back, open mouthed. It’s a look of utter toddler revulsion, a look that says she never knew such crappy music existed and hearing it makes her too furious to speak… the same look she would probably have if he had just peed all over her toys.

John starts laughing so hard he has to wipe tears away, sighs, and, defeated, puts the “Frozen” soundtrack back on.

“I only talk to dad like this now”

I’m thinking this was a happy accident. Listening to Dubstep could be the ultimate parental threat, when nothing else has worked and we are at our wits’ end: Listen here, you will sit down in your chair and stop running around the restaurant screaming or so help me I will make you listen to a Dubstep album when we get home, you hear me? AN ENTIRE DUBSTEP ALBUM!

Maybe it’s too cruel.

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