On Panicking Whenever I Walk Past Her
Me: Violet, you’ve been my cat for over two years now. If I were planning on eating you, I would’ve done it by now. So you don’t need to jump whenever I walk by.
Violet the Cat: That’s exactly what someone who was planning on eating me would say.
On the Sad Look They Just Gave Me
Me: Why are you looking at me like that? And what are you guys whispering about?
Wylie the Cat: It’s just… you were pregnant for such a LONG time and then you only had one single kitten.
Me: That’s normal for humans. We usually only have one.
Violet the Cat (putting her paw on my arm): I’m sure you do. You did great. Good job on the kitten.
Me: Don’t patronize me, Violet.
On Roger’s Gift
Roger walks in carrying a piece of paper in his mouth. He drops it by the door and stares at me.
Roger the Cat: I brought you something.
Me: Thanks Roger. That’s a very nice piece of paper.
Roger the Cat: I hunted it for you. Did you realize that?
Me: I did. Thank you.
Roger the Cat: It was fearsome.
Roger the Cat: Well? Don’t just stare at it, eat it!
Me: I can’t eat that. It’s a piece of paper.
Roger the Cat: FINE. I can’t find any mice, okay?
Me: I still can’t eat it, but I appreciate the gesture.
Roger the Cat (stomping out): WHATEVER.