Parenting is full of surprises. Some aren’t happy (like finding out you’ll never, ever get to pee by yourself again), whereas others are the hidden gems that make all the late-night wake-ups and surprise wall art worth the hassle.
My kids, for example, are incredibly entertaining. Afraid I’d forget, I started writing down the hilarious things they said and did. But there are just… so many. Maybe enough for a weekly roundup.
On Keeping the Light On
My four-year-old daughter Brontë is brave in so many ways. She loves riding the Tower of Terror at Disneyland, even though she’s too short to show up in the picture, and watching spooky movies about ghosts and vampires.
But she’s still afraid of the dark. She needs the light in her room to be not only on, but angled right at her bed. The other night, she was pitching a fit because her light was angled wrong when my husband tried to talk her out of it…
John: You don’t need the light on, anyway. BABIES sleep with the light on.
Brontë: Yes, babies. And Brontë.
John: Just babies.
Brontë: Aaaaaand Brontës.
After Discovering a Broken Plate
Me: WHO BROKE THIS FISH PLATE?
Brontë: Psh… That was BRIDGET, mommy. I only use my powers for good.
On Foreign Travel
Brontë: Momma, you want to go with me to China someday?
Me: I’d love to. What do you want to do there?
Brontë: Umm… Well, it’s a f a r a w a y land. Maybe we could eat Chinese food with chopsticks.
Me: That would be fun. We could also drink tea.
Brontë: Yes! And go on scary roller coasters.
Me: I guess we could…
Brontë: AND GO PEE IN A CHINESE BATHROOM IF THE POLICE WILL LET US!
Brontë walks away down the hall, slapping her thigh, laughing, and repeating “pee in a Chinese bathroom” in hysterical giggling fits until tears are running down her cheeks. I wonder how she pictures this playing out.
Hearing Google Directions in the Car
Siri: Take the next right to merge onto I-80 West
Brontë: Silly says, “TAKE THE NEXT RIGHT TO BRING THE BABY WEST!”
Bridget (laughing maniacally): WEST!
Brontë: Attention! We are “DRIVING THE BABY WEST.”
In a Restaurant
Me: I have to go to the bathroom.
Brontë (loudly): HAPPY POOPING, MOMMA!
After Hearing the Kids Scream for Ages When They’re Supposed to be Napping
Me: BRIDGET! Lay down and TAKE A NAP. You guys are falling-over tired!
Brontë: We’re not looking for any trouble, here…
Brontë gets a lot of glory for saying hilarious stuff, but baby sister Bridget shouldn’t be underestimated.
Brontë has two extra years of language development, which she fully exploits, but Bidgie has impressive mechanical skills that she uses to even the score.
Like the other day, when Brontë was watching a Madeline cartoon.She LOVES Madeline.
So, Brontë was freaking out because her Madeline cartoon kept pausing and starting… Sometimes rewinding, then playing: “IT KEEPS STOPPING AND STARTING!” she screamed.
I looked over and saw Bidgie holding the remote under her blankie, completely poker-faced.
The movie starts again, long enough for Brontë to get really into it. Then it suddenly stops and begins to rewind…
Brontë starts flailing around the living room, baffled, saying, “AM I MOVING IT WITH MY ARMS AND LEGS?”
Bidgie smirks, then quietly keeps on pressing buttons…
Well done, Bidgie Bear. Well done.