7 Dark Confessions of a Suburban Momma

Hello everyone, hope you guys all had a great Labor Day weekend!

We spent ours cold chillin’ in middle-class suburbia, wearing our gangsta yoga pants and showing our house to potential buyers. A couple deals have fallen through, the new school year is upon us, and it looks like we may be staying here for a while yet… may as well represent.

Meanwhile, I found out about the PostSecret art project. Have you guys heard about this? People write their secrets on anonymous postcards then send them in where everyone can read them. It’s weirdly fascinating.

Some secrets are really sad, while others are just quirky and adorable. Either way, it’s probably therapeutic for everyone involved. Participants get things off their chests and everyone else gets to see our fellow humans being vulnerable.

It got me thinking about the stuff I’m hiding too. Stuff that’s been secretly nagging at me.  Stuff that doesn’t comport with my tribe.

And I finally figured I’d feel better if I just came out and said it.

So here goes:

1- I’ve always used those vinegar-and-water mixes or cleaners with essential oils to clean my house. They smell pretty and won’t hurt the environment and the non-toxic ingredients pose no threat to my kitties or kids.

Then last week, my husband mopped the floor with buckets of PineSol and it looks brand new. Our house has never looked better. Natural cleaners are crap.

i-need-to-start-eating-more-healthy-ecard.jpg2- I’ve always been big on the benefits of eating whole, unprocessed food. I spent the last decade cooking all my meals from scratch, using olive oil (never butter), fresh produce from farmers’ markets and I never ate sugar or boxed, processed food.

But this past year, I’ve snapped.  I started eating donuts for breakfast and have had WAY too many frozen pizzas and Cool Ranch fiesta tacos. I just had a physical and not only have I lost thirty pounds, but my cholesterol has dropped from borderline high to fantastic.

Apparently, calories DO count.

3- I’ve always loved natural medicine and have tried using chamomile tea, melatonin, and valerian root to deal with my insomnia issues.

And… they’re mostly useless. They’re the mad ravings of a bra-less hippie vegan who uses crystal deodorant in her pits. None of them come anywhere close to a good hit of Ambien. Long live prescription drugs.


Pregnant-Meme-Natural-Child-Birth4- Natural childbirth sounds doesn’t sound like a beautiful natural experience to me, just an endless, nightmarish torture that makes you beg for the sweet release of death.

Lots of women tried to talk me into natural childbirth while I was pregnant, but they sounded like that evil puppet-master mean girl in junior high who would talk you into asking out your crush just so she could watch the preteen jungle kill your self-esteem. Kill it with fire.

Seriously, when I got to the hospital in heavy labor and was told it was too late for epidurals, I honestly considered ramming my head into the wall until I knocked myself unconscious. I also thought about attacking the hospital staff so they’d be forced to give me drugs.

5- I really feel like I’m the kind of person who should like indie labels, but whenever I try to get into indie music, I get angry about how whiney and boring most of it sounds.

And then I end up rocking out to happy, top 40 pop songs, or the kind of screaming rock you’d expect a 90’s frat guy to like. Shut up.

Wake_up_responsible_Funny_Meme.jpg6- I hate waking up early and nothing will ever, ever change that.

7- Whenever I see people jogging at 5 AM or biking up incredibly vertical hills, I wonder why they hate themselves so much.

Maybe they’re just trying to get in shape, but I’m picturing someone with a guilty conscience trying to balance the cosmic books via pain. I’m wondering what they did that made them feel biking around San Francisco was somehow warranted.
Whew… that felt good. Kind of an Emperor’s New Clothes deal.

What about you? Is your life experience making you question some of the theories you’e held onto? Some of the sacred cows of your social set?

Sometimes it’s fun to just say it out loud.



11 thoughts on “7 Dark Confessions of a Suburban Momma

    1. Aw, thanks! I figured someone had to relate 🙂

      With my first, I think I was in denial about being in labor (so scared!). By the time I got to the hospital, I was 9 centimeters and they said it was too late for an epidural!

      She was crowning when we ran into problems and they had to perform an emergency C under general anesthesia. So, I went most of the way through natural childbirth, but only by accident. I had checked every drug and epidural box on the birth plan, lol

      With my second, I was given the planned C section option and I took it. I can’t imagine rejecting the epidural on purpose!!!

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I almost had my second natural on accident too. On the way to the hospital contractions sped up and I was at a 7 or 8. They gave me a partial epidural. But I am serious when I say I thought I was going to die. I cannot imagine doing that on purpose either.

        Liked by 1 person

  1. LOL I use Crystal deodorant. LOL I do actually and I have it in 3 forms – solid, liquid and roll on. I use the solid for traveling. LOL didn’t really think of myself as a hippie but maybe i am secretly a carnivorous vegan that should be jogging at 3am for eating meat daily. 😉

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Really? Does it actually work?

      Yeah, I think there’s actually a super-crunchy hippie liberal deep inside you, straining against the demands of your good job.

      Think about it: you used to keep your hair long. You are far more tolerant than most. You bummed around Yosemite and harbor deep cravings for a giant 70’s van… the kind that people would immediately hit up when looking to score some weed. You have a soft spot for animals and now I’m hearing about this crystal deodorant nonsense.

      Yeah, you may not be the jogging vegan heath nut kind of hippie, but I’m definitely getting a certain vibe 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

      1. It does work. It actually works better than anything I have tried. The mineral is Potassium alum which is a natural anti-microbial and prevents the growth of odor-causing bacteria. If the bacteria can’t grow then the smell won’t start. LOL I am a tree hugging hippie hiding in corporate Ameirca that loves to research everything. So, there is actual science behind the crystal/mineral as opposed to just hoping good vibes will stop you from knocking out your neighbor with your stench.

        I am on a plane right now and I don’t stink because I packed my hippie crystal. 🙂 LOL

        As for being a hippie… LOL yes but you know that. I sometimes miss my long hair but now I have this beard thing going on which will likely be short lived. I’m still determined to get my 70s van and trick it out and have someone make me one if those ‘cool’ brown leather jackets and shades. I want it to be so over the top that people might actually thinks I have some Zepplin tickets.

        Let’s see. What other hippie crap i do.

        You will love this. I have been staying in fancy pants hotels, really fancy, across the street from the White House and yet i still do my laundry in the sink, bath in airport bathrooms with my magic crystals, carry a nalgene or Klean Kanteen bottle full of water across the continent weekly. I’m currently wearing a green pocketed shirt that has 2 holes in it and shorts with bleach stains alone with my Chaco sandals but paid $1,000 for a one way ticket. Feel more comfortable eating street food in 3rd world countries than at Ruth Chris, only buy organic cage free eggs, won’t shop at Walmart, love the flee market, frequently change out of my business clothes into my bleach stained shirts IN PARKING LOTS. Periodicaly pay the food bill old couples, or young broke ass people and split before they know and just a bunch of odd things, too many to list. Lol yep I’m a hippie in hiding 😉

        Hahahahaha and I’ve used toms organic toothpaste almost exclusively for at least a decade,

        Liked by 1 person

        1. Tons of Maine toothpaste is pretty good, especially the cinnamint flavor!

          Maybe that’s why people like the beard- it fits with your secret hippie persona 🙂


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