I have a deep dark confession to make. Are you ready?
I have no idea who’s playing in the Super Bowl later today.
Or where it is.
Apparently, it’s Super Bowl #51, but I just had to look that up. In fact, I’d forgotten that the Super Bowl was even happening until one of my Facebook buddies posted a picture of us at her Super Bowl party last year.
I don’t even remember who played last year, because I only knew for the duration of the party and only because I looked it up on the car ride over, whispering the team names to myself, over and over again.
I didn’t want to risk drawing a blank if someone asked me about it at the party, or not know what cities the teams that were playing were from. I knew what an idiot I’d look like if that happened, how much it would blow my cover of normalcy.
And I didn’t even know who won at the time, because I wasn’t paying attention to the game at all.
I do remember that the woman from Texas who hosted the party made the most incredible tacos… real cotija cheese and fresh guacamole… and handmade fudge for dessert that I kept on dipping into.
I like good food and hanging out with people, which is why I went to her Super Bowl party in the first place. It could’ve been a monster truck rally or a bunny-fighting championship for all I cared, because I was just there for the conversation and nachos.
Not a cookie party though. In fact, the only time I can recall voluntarily throwing a football is when I ran out of a cookie-making party to throw footballs with the guys, because THAT’S how desperate I was to get away from the cookie party.
It was one of those deals where your girlfriend ropes you into attending a party that’s actually a giant sales pitch… in this case, selling these big plunger deals that would spit out even doses of cookie batter into PERFECTLY ROUND cookies to make your batch EXACTLY EVEN.
We all donned these ruffly aprons and took turns squirting out exactly-even cookies while hearing chirpy lectures about the virtues of consistent cookie shapes that droned on like IRS guidebooks from audible.com played at half speed. Man, these women had a lot to say about convection and how hard it was to make circular cookies by hand.
I think I was trapped in there for two full hours before slowly backing out into the yard to play catch while talking about ANYTHING besides making perfect cookies. I can BUY cookies real cheap, thank you very much.
Plus, I don’t think I’ve ever eaten a cookie while thinking to myself, “I’m not really enjoying this, because I can’t help noticing how this cookie is not exactly the same size and shape as the cookie right next to it,” so I was having trouble recognizing it as a pressing issue.
Geez, I really feel like I’m failing at suburbia sometimes, given my problems rallying for homemade cookies and the Super Bowl. It’s downright un-American, which is why I keep taking pains to hide my heretical ways. Someone’s eventually bound to figure out I’m an imposter, so I make a point of Googling the Super Bowl before forgetting everything I just read, ten seconds later.
I think part of my problem with sports is that the players aren’t actually from the cities they play for, so what’s the rivalry deal really about?
If my city challenged our neighboring city to a football game, I’d actually show up for that and find the outcome entertaining. But random people getting drafted to random places… how does that represent any kind of legitimate geo-battle?
Still, it’s not that I hate football, it’s that I’m this guy:
For those of you who are confused, that’s Maurice Moss from the British show The IT Crowd, which is fantastic. In this scene, Moss is desperately trying to fit in with “normal” guys by attending a football game, which means soccer in British.
He really wants to make friends with other guys while knowing sports knowledge and enthusiasm are key, so he prepares canned statements to make on game day while pretending he also thinks the movements of an elliptical sphere are fascinating and important.
It may be my favorite episode of the entire show because of how much I relate to it.
Also, my last job before leaving the corporate world to take care of my kids was working for an IT Help desk. Just like Moss.