When Your Husband Sleeps With Dragons

As previously mentioned, my husband and I have wildly different circadian rhythms. He falls asleep by nine, whereas I don’t even try for another five hours or so.

Partly, this is because I’m a freelance writer who must squeeze in work whenever a toddler isn’t demanding I admire her pee or open up yet another yogurt cup.

But mostly, my husband and I are just differently wired. He gets groggy by 7 PM, while I will literally have no memory of any conversation we have before 9 AM. “Write it down!” I’m always reminding him. “So I can read anything worth remembering after coffee.”

On the other hand, whenever I accidentally wake him up in the middle of the night, he jumps up, looks at me as if I’d just dumped the cat box all over his room, then repeatedly grunts while flinging the covers over his eyes to avert the horrors. He claims to have no memory of said reactions, but his disapproval is nevertheless made abundantly clear.

So my stealth skills have dramatically improved because I like a challenge (even if said challenge is just moving things around in your husband’s room so he wakes up confused).

Still, I’d been trying to stop that lately until the other night, when I realized I’d left my phone in his room and… argh… it was 3 in the morning. I didn’t want to wake him up, but I needed to count up how many Anglo-Saxon kings died suspiciously young in the Kingdom of Mercia.

Why? Because they didn’t have a lot of reliable methods to figure out causes of death back then and so many kings died within a couple of years of taking the throne, often in their early twenties, and aren’t you curious too?

Maybe not, since I’m uniquely weird like that and in retrospect, this question probably could’ve waited until the next morning. But it didn’t feel like it at the time.

Plus, I’ve now been tiptoeing around my husband long enough that I assumed I could slip in to access Google and sort out all the Anglo-Saxons without my husband ending up any the wiser.

And I approached this mission like a ninja boss: I squeezed the door knob completely before opening the door. Leaving the light off, I walked toe-heel, toe-heel to the nightstand to quietly melt my hand over my phone. I really thought I was getting away with it, when…

He suddenly lurches forward in bed with enough force to knock a pillow off.

I freeze.

He turns his head toward me.

He takes a deep breath, rubs his temples, and says…

“I’ve been letting her use my dragon costume again.”

He sighs in relief.

What?

Okay, so the man was clearly dreaming. Apparently, about loaning out his dragon costume again.

Wait a minute. Who has been borrowing his dragon costume? It sounded like an admission. I try to imagine any situation where you’d be nervous about admitting this fact.

Wait… he’s obviously been loaning out his costume to some other woman and had to finally come clean about it before all the costume-swapping led down a dangerous path. I mean, a kid wouldn’t fit into a grown man’s dragon costume, right? So my husband must’ve been loaning it out to some lady on the sly. To some nefarious end.

Who borrowed your costume?” I asked him.

“I don’t remember,” he said.

“You were JUST telling me about it.”

“Umm… you?

Like that’s not suspicious. Knowing he’ll be mindswept by full consciousness any minute now, I scramble to satisfy my curiosity via a different route:

“When was the last time she borrowed it?”

And he looks annoyed, like I’m asking him to remember what he ate for dinner two Thursdays ago.

“It was…” he starts. “Borrowed what?”

“Your DRAGON costume.”

He blinks a lot.

“I have NO idea what you’re talking about,” he says.

Dang it. I guess we’ll never know.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

16 Comments

  1. Haha! That’s so funny. I love the idea of you moving his stuff so he’s confused.
    You are a night owl aren’t you? My son is not sleeping until about midnight, sometimes later and as he still has to be put to sleep I’m normally up to do that so I know what it’s like. Thing is even though he’s 11 he still insists on nagging my for stuff at late o clock.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Well if you can’t have a little fun in your marriage, what’s the point, right? Keeps things a little unpredictable. 😉

      I’m absolutely a night owl. I fight it in a grand attempt to stay in step with the rest of humanity, but it’s an ongoing battle. That’s rough to have a son up that late… luckily my kids knock out early, most of the time (except for the nights where I say “GO TO BED, YOU JUST HAD WATER!”) but the downside is having them wake up when it’s still dark outside. There are “don’t wake me up until it’s light outside” rules in place at our house, lol.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Haha my husband and I are exactly the same. I am prone to violence if someone talks to me before at least 9:30 and him and my daughter are the chirpiest freaking birds at sun dawn! But you are right, the dragon costume shingding does seem suspish. May be swipe his costume for DNA samples?

    Liked by 2 people

    1. That’s awesome–you know this dynamic, then. I will literally have NO memory of conversations I have early in the morning, even when I appeared awake at the time, yet have kids that spring out of bed before it’s completely light outside.

      I don’t even know what’s happening every morning. Maybe we have tea parties while dressed like clowns. I do know there’s a period of me staring blankly for a while, drinking coffee, as my kids run in circles and belt out songs.

      Haha.. swiping his dragon costume for DNA. What bizarre woman is he taking up with?

      He doesn’t actually own a dragon costume, but he does joke around a lot about various costumes. Now that he’s dreaming about them, I’m starting to wonder what it’s all about. Wouldn’t have pictured a DRAGON costume being part of his fantasies though, lol.

      Liked by 2 people

        1. They have got to have those out there, somewhere. I can’t believe the range of sexy Halloween costumes you can find. Like… fruit. Sexy grapes. Who is that FOR!? 😆

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  3. You obviously have no idea the secret dragon societies’ penalties of loaning out your dragon costume to your wife. First rule of dragon costume club…..

    …they could take away my breathable fire and that’s just like declawing an outside cat.

    Really,… where’s the humanity. Where’s the understanding of danger of being a dragon in a modern society. I could end up stuffed in a museum or made into some dictators cowboy boots.

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Yeah, I suppose I really hadn’t considered the implications of people becoming dragons on the sly. Producing fire would obviously be illegal and for good reason… because I can’t think up many legitimate reasons for breathing fire that wouldn’t create potential public hazards. Toasting marshmallows, perhaps… yet the inability to toast marshmallows doesn’t neatly align with declawed metaphor.

      Yet, I’m doubting the regulatory officials involved would tackle the issue by passing off transgressing feet as museum curiosities. Or as dictator footwear.

      In fact, I’ll admit being generally skeptical of your theories involving foreign powers who neutralize black market fetishists by wearing them as trophy boots…

      “Lovely boots, el Presidente. Crocodile?’

      “No paisan.” [In hushed tones] “They are the feet of perverse dragons who light the dreams of fallen women who would borrow their skins.”

      His eyes flutter to that burning night in enigmatic silence mere seconds before he addresses his people on the need for heightened security measures…

      Liked by 1 person

  4. I have been advised by the wife time and again that when I’m saying things while dreaming they are impossible to decipher. Which is a good thing I suppose…if she’s telling the truth. One thing is for sure. If I ever loan out my dragon costume again I’m going to be very, very careful who I give it to.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I can’t help asking questions when someone is babbling their sleep. Sometimes you can figure out what they’re dreaming about and it’s so entertaining, either way.

      My husband’s story is definitely a cautionary tale. The guilt of loaning your dragon costume out to the wrong person eats you up at night, haunting your dreams 😀

      Liked by 1 person

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